Sunday, November 29, 2015

The Light of Separation

I've spent half of my life missing people and this is quite an interesting statement given that I'm a ridiculously shy introvert who hardly ever hangs out with anyone. Oh, wait. This actually makes sense. I guess other people just find each other and see each other instead of floating in nostalgia for years. I'm not so lucky. I can't bring myself to do that and even if I do, I end up panicking and over-thinking everything, so I usually decide to spare myself the stress.

Now... Is this a good or a bad thing?
From the modern society's perspective behaving like that is totally wrong. Our society wants to see highly sociable people everywhere. It is obsessed with extroversion. This is why those who don't live up to the standard feel guilty and beat themselves up for being different. This is why people keep asking whether I'm dating anyone. This is why we often see ourselves as social failures. Because no one told us that it's ok to be different. It is only through fully embracing our personalities that we can reconnect with the world. I had spent years hating my shyness and awkwardness before I accepted it and suddenly everything became a lot easier. I communicate with the world in a different way and it's ok. And yet... Sometimes it still feels very wrong. I don't know why I always have to contradict myself when I write but... Life is just so versatile. We can't really apply any labels to ourselves and claim that we only think this and do that. So, yeah, sometimes everything just feels very wrong. Sometimes loneliness hits in waves. But then again, I have to ask myself wether my desires match my needs. Because it seems that a lot of desires come ready-made into my life and have nothing to do with my personality.

Maybe I'm a coward. I admit I'm afraid of relationships. Maybe I'm afraid of disappointment. Maybe I'm addicted to melancholy and keep subconsciously attracting painful separations into my life. Whatever the reason, I always end up missing someone like hell. But don't you ever feel sorry for me. I make the best of what I get. The power of missing someone is totally mind-blowing and I'm grateful to my introverted nature for allowing me to dive deep into it.
I want to change the way we see separation. Separation is very often seen as just a part of a relationship and is rarely appreciated on its own. But hey, separation can be beautiful. You can make it beautiful, you can love it and turn it into a metaphor. And it will love you back by changing you and making you a better person. I know this. I've been there too many times and I'm about to get there again, so... A reminder is needed.

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