Sunday, November 29, 2015

The Light of Separation

I've spent half of my life missing people and this is quite an interesting statement given that I'm a ridiculously shy introvert who hardly ever hangs out with anyone. Oh, wait. This actually makes sense. I guess other people just find each other and see each other instead of floating in nostalgia for years. I'm not so lucky. I can't bring myself to do that and even if I do, I end up panicking and over-thinking everything, so I usually decide to spare myself the stress.

Now... Is this a good or a bad thing?
From the modern society's perspective behaving like that is totally wrong. Our society wants to see highly sociable people everywhere. It is obsessed with extroversion. This is why those who don't live up to the standard feel guilty and beat themselves up for being different. This is why people keep asking whether I'm dating anyone. This is why we often see ourselves as social failures. Because no one told us that it's ok to be different. It is only through fully embracing our personalities that we can reconnect with the world. I had spent years hating my shyness and awkwardness before I accepted it and suddenly everything became a lot easier. I communicate with the world in a different way and it's ok. And yet... Sometimes it still feels very wrong. I don't know why I always have to contradict myself when I write but... Life is just so versatile. We can't really apply any labels to ourselves and claim that we only think this and do that. So, yeah, sometimes everything just feels very wrong. Sometimes loneliness hits in waves. But then again, I have to ask myself wether my desires match my needs. Because it seems that a lot of desires come ready-made into my life and have nothing to do with my personality.

Maybe I'm a coward. I admit I'm afraid of relationships. Maybe I'm afraid of disappointment. Maybe I'm addicted to melancholy and keep subconsciously attracting painful separations into my life. Whatever the reason, I always end up missing someone like hell. But don't you ever feel sorry for me. I make the best of what I get. The power of missing someone is totally mind-blowing and I'm grateful to my introverted nature for allowing me to dive deep into it.
I want to change the way we see separation. Separation is very often seen as just a part of a relationship and is rarely appreciated on its own. But hey, separation can be beautiful. You can make it beautiful, you can love it and turn it into a metaphor. And it will love you back by changing you and making you a better person. I know this. I've been there too many times and I'm about to get there again, so... A reminder is needed.

Friday, November 13, 2015

A Week Off Social Media (Diary)


It's Monday and today is my first day without social media. No Instagram, no Tumblr, no YouTube. No mindless scrolling, no posting,no fangirling, no likes, no comments.
I wake up and have breakfast. It feels a bit weird: just eating my breakfast without simultaneously consuming news and updates. Funny.
During the day I often find myself reaching for my phone to check Instagram or something else. No, not today. I do have enough willpower and I begin to like this challenge.
You never realize how addicted you are to something until it disappears from your life. God, I'm addicted. I'm saying it out loud and it scares me but I'm determined to confront my addiction. Addictions are never healthy.
Towards the end of the day I begin to feel some sort of panic. I am so alone. I suddenly see how alone I actually am. And I don't know who this person is. Who am I? No idea. Suddenly it feels as if a part of me is missing. It's scary. I don't feel any connection with myself.
I realize that most of my thoughts are circling around social media and the people that I follow and it terrifies me. So, I basically live in a two dimensional world? It's crazy.
It's evening and I'm listening to music. For some reason melancholy hits me and I experience a strong longing for something. I actually begin to cry quietly. I don't know why, I'm just filled with emotions and crying seems to be the only way to let them out.


Tuesday. I wake up and it's been more than 24 hours since I last checked any social media. I feel calm. My mind is still chattering but not as much as it usually does. Usually it's a complete mess: weird thoughts and different languages colliding.
I used my iPhone to check time and then I accidentally opened Instagram. Holy shit. My finger can find that Instagram icon without me consciously telling it to do so. Wow. Addiction on all levels. I got terrified, panicked and closed Instagram as soon as I realized what my hand had just done. The whole experience was so brief that I didn't really see any updates. Haha, the panic was real though.
During the day I often find myself wandering around not being entirely sure what to do with my time.
I read a lot. The first book is Introvert by Linus Jonkman. Another one is The Power of Now. I bought the books when I was at a railway station waiting for a train and being a perfect example of an introverted person according to Linus Jonkman. I want to thank this man for writing the book: it's a must-read for all introverts out there, seriously. Just admit you are an introvert - welcome to the club! Spare yourself years of self-loathing and seeing yourself as a complete social failure. We, introverts,are just very different. It's ok.


Observation #1: I can't start my day reading anything serious and deep. I need something that wouldn't challenge me too much. Usually I scroll through Instagram in the morning and it does the job. This week I tried magazines and even news programs on tv. It wasn't as time-consuming as scrolling through my newsfeed, not quite as entertaining as scrolling, I guess.
On another note, I feel a lot better. Less anxious. There is a new feeling of stillness.

Observation #2: my procrastination has nothing to do with social media or web surfing. I successfully procrastinate with my books and even spend an hour practicing Tengwar.

Thursday. I wake up and I don't feel the need to check anything. It's an amazing feeling.

Yay, it's Friday! But the wonderful thing about Ingesund is that I actually find myself looking forward to Mondays, haha. It's a really nice feeling. Less waiting, more life. Right here, right now.
So... Social media? What about them? I can proudly say that I'm doing very well without them. But apparently my fingers aren't. They keep opening apps. But I keep closing them before I get to see any updates.
For many years I've been suffering from too much mental noise. I've always complained about the overload of information in the modern world. It's scary that we often don't even realize
what effect social media has on us. We think that it's we who consume information but what if it's otherwise?

Today has been a surprisingly productive Saturday. I made a plan in the morning and managed to stick to it. It's nice to know that I haven't spent the day scrolling. Whenever I feel a bit bored I just start doing assignments or I just sit and think.
I'm so glad I decided to try this experiment. I suddenly discovered a whole new world of being more present.

Sunday. Walks by the lake, reading, doing assignments and watching operas online. Playing with the thought of continuing this experiment because it feels so freeing.

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